Afraid To Paint

So this week, I've done nothing about my time management issues.  I managed to get caught up on the Flying Lessons class last week, and was pretty proud of myself for that, only to fall seriously behind again this week.

Then I saw the A-Team over the weekend, and well that prompted a serious bout of nostalgia, which meant of course I needed to watch re-runs all night on Hulu.  

On Monday, I spent nearly 3 hours agonizing over the best feed reader to use, in order to read my blogs.  That whole project initially started as a way to save time. Yet, quickly became the complete opposite.

What I really really wanted was something like Tweetdeck to read blogs in.  No such thing exists, so I settled on Bloglines, which is working out fairly well.  It does indeed save me time, and it is really nice to see at a glace who has updated their blogs all in one spot. Though, I think Tweetdeck should do us all a favor, and add blogger and Typepad etc. to their list of social networking sites. 

And of course, I'm still busy keeping up with all the tweets, FB updates, blogs etc. of all the new artists I've met, and have been having a great time.  The only snag is, I haven't done much art.  Oh I've been in the studio.  Once or twice.   I've looked around a bit, sat in the chair, got on the computer to print a few things, only to be distracted by itunes looking up songs from The Andy Griffith Show, (yes it was that important that I downloaded the Crawdad Song), picking up supplies, and moving them around, staring at the walls... well you get the picture.  I didn't do squat. 

I had a bunch of excuses as to why I couldn't finish the half dozen or so paintings that I've started.  None of them very good.

The only thing I've really done is make yet another background, which is the picture you see above.  I seem to be specializing in those lately.  Part of the reason is I'm busy using my time in not the smartest of ways, part of it is I've been gone a lot, and the other part is, well probably the biggest part, is because believe it or not, I'm afraid to finish the paintings. 

Does that make sense?  I'm actually scared of my own art.  You see each background I do, I have a plan for.  I know exactly what I want on it for the most part, but I'm afraid to start that part of the process because I'm afraid I'll mess it up.  I seem to moving into a new direction, and I am wanting and trying to draw and paint more in my work.

So the collages, I'm working on require me to draw the subject, and then paint them, and that worries me, because I feel I'm not good enough yet to try doing that.  I'm worried that it won't come out the way I see it in my mind. 

I'm feeling a lot of the things we've talked about in class too.  Mainly, who do I think I am to think others will be interested in my art? and Will I be able to make enough money to make art my career? ( I've been on disability for the last six months, so I'm using this time to see if I can start a creative business, hoping that I can a least contribute to a few household bills again.)

It's true I'm feeling intimidated (and inspired!!) by a lot of the wonderful art I'm seeing out there, and I know I've read on other blogs, some of you are feeling the same way.  It's a nasty thing being intimidated, but like Kelly says, we need to be true to ourselves.  Put ourselves into our art and into our blogs etc. Well I'm putting myself out there for you all to see.  Hope I don't scare you off.  :)  But the honest truth is I am afraid.   This creative journey can be crazy scary, frustrating, overwhelming etc. BUT it is also exciting.  And most of the time, it is the exciting bit I am concentrating on.  But for now, I'm letting the fear in, acknowledging it, and hopefully waving good-bye to it very soon!